have a happy period --------- are you smoking crack?

I hate that wonderful commercial that says have a happy period! I just want to scream.There is nothing happy about a period except maybe the occasional relief that it came. When that time comes I do not want to prance around in a bikini. No flowers and sparkles follow me. It is not glamorous for me and not happy. I still have to get up and walk around ,chase kids, clean house, do the shopping and many other things all the while suffering through cramps, extreme bloating, violent headaches and the mood swings. 

All the marketing and pretty packaging does accomplish one thing! IT ATTRACTS MY CHILDREN! The pretty flowers and smiley faces attract a 3 yr old girl like moths to a flame. My son thinks tampons are perfect rockets and finger cuffs (thank you Handy Manny)! I have to hide all my monthly girly products in an undisclosed location that is no where near convenient . And be prepared to change the location because honestly my kids turn into special forces and I picture then rolling out maps riding zip lines and grappling all to get my horde of necessary evil products.

Oh but wait it gets better. Have you ever really looked at the variety of products offered. I did one day and began to laugh when I came across pads made for women size 14 and up. As I stood there laughing it hit me I wear a size 18 these were made for me. Oh my goodness I need jumbo pads, when I was growing up I always wanted to be a big girl, Lord this is not what I meant! So I put the big girl pads in my cart and went to check out. Oh and checking out is always fun. I can go to the store everyday for a month and not see anyone we know but let me buy pads and the biggest snoop I know or my husbands boss ,or my favorite my MOM. The snoop and my mother will pick up the pads and announce as loudly as possible that  it is great that I finally realized I am hefty. Seriously you are downgrading and making fun of a woman who is hormonal and has cramps that would hit an 8 on the rictor scale. Yep that's the woman I want to get mad.

Now somebody makes 6 figures to come up with the flowers on the package and such gems as "Have a happy period"  here is my suggestion if you really want us to have a happy period. Plain brown wrappers are sufficient. And with every purchase you get a complimentary housekeeper, babysitter, box of midol, chocolate, and either a box of tea or a bottle of wine your choice------ Now that would make me have a happier period.

Do these match my feet?

I woke up the other and found that not only had the dog peed I also found my new Reebok tennis shoes chewed to bits. I then went about dog proofing the house yet again. During this time my son convinced my daughter that she was a dog and kept trying to put a leash on her. After realizing that we had no milk the kids and I went to the store. After several fits and one weird lady who just walked up with out saying a word and was unwrapping candy bars to give my children which I quickly put a stop too and angered the lady. Seriously you don't know me or my kids and you didn't ask me a thing . What would possess someone to do that. My kids could have allergies or be on strict diets oh and what about my kids aren't allowed to take things from strangers. So then I get home and begin dinner when my daughter asks me if her shoes match her feet? Then she asks for chocolate milk and I realize I forgot to get the milk and as I get my coat on for grocery store trip #2 ..................the dog peed!

The joys of mother hood

I have a very active 3 yr old daughter and an equally active  4 yr old son. As well as a 5 mos old Shepard -black lab mix. my life could be a number 1# reality show.  My son has a very vivid and active imagination many times a day I find myself being told that I am something else like a fire truck or a race car. I love every minute of being a mom and have found that it is difficult to parent a child with an amazing wit and sense of humor. Don't believe me well stick around you soon will. So I recently was blessed by being able to stay home with my children after several years of working 50-80 hrs a week. Starting this new place in my life i realized that a few behavioral problems had popped up with my children, and my husband and i had been too busy to notice. I  immediately began administering discipline to correct these errant ways and what was my reward you ask well my son turned and looked at me and said in a great huff "We need to find you another job cause these all these rules are for the birds , and not the pretty ones" As I sent my son to the corner and bit my tongue so I would not laugh my wonderful puppy peed on a basket of clean freshly folded clothes. I was ready at that moment to go back to work. I went from having 60 employees under me too having a 4 yr old tell me off and cleaning dog pee.
The next day of my new found stay at home mom status My beautiful daughter informed me that Aunt Rachel was a better cook and could I call and get her cookie recipe. Then she painted herself with magic marker as I cleaned up dog pee. By then her brother was in rare form and informed me that I was a cowboy and could I make him beans for lunch. Beans I thought wow very healthy I can do this I fixed the wanted beans and proceeded to scrub floors. I soon discovered why my son wanted beans as he began to fart in my daughters face and laugh hysterically. He was so proud as he said "Mommy beans make me fart!" and with that he tooted in my face and said "you can have that!" I then had a nice discussion with my son about manners and etiquette and personal space. I sealed the discussion with no TV for the remainder of the day. And as this was happening yep you guessed it ............The dog peed!